The Absence of Olivia Read online

  She also had rules. Rules she was perfectly up front and open about with her partners. 1) No cheating, as in no sleeping with a guy who was in a relationship. She didn’t invite, participate in, or tolerate “girl drama.” 2) No communication drama; she didn’t expect them to call her, and she didn’t plan to call them. If they called, they called, but no expectations. 3) Safe sex – always. This was one of the rules she had that I fully supported. 4) The minute it wasn’t fun anymore, it was over. 5) No one stayed the night, not at our dorm or wherever he lived. And I swear, the minute the guys got even remotely territorial, she bailed.

  Even I could recognize she had a view of sexual relationships beyond her years. I thought maybe she’d watched too many episodes of Sex and the City while we were in high school.

  I let out a sigh because I knew there was nothing I could say to make her change her ways, and if she did, she wouldn’t be the Liv I loved. I walked to my closet, which was just across from hers, and started peeling off my sticky-wet clothes.

  “What in the world happened to you?” Liv asked, noticing my predicament.

  “Some jerk ran into me at the café and my soda spilled all down my front.” I took off the borrowed shirt to show her the damage, tossing the handsome stranger’s plaid button up into my laundry basket.

  “Oh,” Liv said, staring at my shirt. “I love that bra.”

  I laughed, because, of course she did. “Yeah, well, so did everyone else who saw it through my drenched shirt.” I pulled the linen tank over my head, not enjoying the feeling of the wet fabric peeling away from my skin at all. “Luckily, some nice guy literally gave me the shirt off his back.”

  “How gentlemanly of him. At least he didn’t just stare at your boobs,” she said as she pulled on some shorts.

  “Well,” I said, taking off the rest of my clothes and wrapping a towel around my body. “I think he got an eyeful before he offered his shirt. But he was a gentleman. He let me keep the shirt.” I grabbed my shower caddy and turned to her just as she pulled her top over her head. “I’m gonna grab a shower. Are we still doing dinner tonight?”

  “Sure thing. I’ll meet you here right after my last class.”

  “Okay. Try not to be in the middle of a sex act next time I come home.”

  “How about I just lock the door?”

  “I’ll settle for that,” I said with a laugh, then paused before heading to the shower. “See you later. Are you headed to your lit class?”

  She smiled wickedly. “Yeah. And it should be a lot more exciting now that Brandon’s, um, unsatisfied.” She continued to smile as she adjusted her hair in the mirror. Hair that looked like sex hair but also fantastic. I rolled my eyes and left the room, shaking my head all the way to the shower.

  It had been three weeks since the soda incident and I would have been lying to myself if I didn’t admit to looking at every guy I passed on campus for the first two weeks trying to find Devon. I wasn’t sure what I would have said to him had I seen him on the sidewalk or as I walked to class, or in line at the bookstore, or even back at the café where we had met. And I couldn’t help that my eyes roamed to every face, searched the back of every guy I saw for those wide shoulders and too-long blondish hair.

  So, I struggled with both surprise and relief when I finally laid my eyes on him, as he approached me, Liv’s arm threaded through the crook of his elbow.

  “Evie,” she said, her words slurred, most likely from the copious amounts of vodka she’d consumed. “This is Devon.” She motioned toward him then swung her arm toward me. “Devon, this is my best friend and roommate, Evie.”

  I should have said hello, should have reached out to shake his hand, but all I could manage to do was stare at her hand on his forearm.

  “Oh yeah, hey, Evie. Nice to see you again.” His deep voice accosted me just like it had three weeks before.

  “You know Evie?” Liv asked with a little too much drunken enthusiasm.

  “We met a few weeks ago when some douchebag spilled her soda.”

  My eyes managed to tear themselves away from where her hand rested on his arm, which was causing me to feel things I wasn’t used to, only to see Devon’s eyes dart back to my breasts, obviously remembering what I looked like in a wet white shirt.

  “You’re the guy who gave her his shirt?” she squealed. If the music hadn’t been so loud, it surely would have been deafening. “She sleeps in that shirt sometimes,” Liv offered, much to my complete embarrassment.

  “Liv!” I shouted, mortified. I immediately heated, starting in my cheeks. I knew I was blushing furiously. My eyes darted up to Devon, but I couldn’t look at him. I did sleep in his shirt, it was true. It was also mortifying.

  “You sleep in my shirt?” His voice, even over the music, sounded soft and sort of gentle. It wasn’t critical, or even playful. He wasn’t making fun of me. So I answered him honestly.

  I shrugged. “It’s pretty big, so it works as a nightie.”

  Before he could respond, I steeled as Liv curled up around his large, muscled arm. “Devon was just going to take me to the dance floor.” Her eyes were dreamy, probably a mixture of lust and drunkenness.

  “Well, have fun dancing. I’m probably going to head home soon.”

  “M’kay,” she slurred. “Remember your rape whistle.”

  I laughed because that was a typical, snarky Liv remark, but Devon’s brow furrowed.

  “You’re not going to walk home alone, are you?” He sounded concerned.

  “Well, yeah, actually. I am. Don’t worry though, Liv and I took a self-defense class fall term. No one’s gonna get the drop on me. Plus, I have pepper spray.”

  “Let me see your phone,” he demanded, but in a weirdly nice way.

  “What?”

  “Let me see your phone.” He held his hand out and looked at me expectantly. I sighed but complied, digging around in my purse and finally handing him my cell phone once I’d located it. He immediately started thumbing it. “Text me when you get back to your room safely.” He held my phone back out to me.

  “Are you serious?” He couldn’t be serious. He just stared at me, his hand out in front of him, my phone resting in his palm. I could have sworn he didn’t even blink. “I don’t need another father. I have one already. And he lets me stay out past dark and everything.”

  “Devon, I wanna dance,” Liv whined, still clinging to his muscular and attractive arm, batting her eyelashes at him.

  “Just text me, Evelyn. I’d say text Liv, but she’s too drunk to remember where she put her purse.” He shook my phone at me again. I reached out and took it, but huffed out a breath so he knew it was under protest. “You’ll text? I just want to know you’re safe.”

  Some part of me that had been angry just moments before melted a little at his concern and I relented. “I’ll text.”

  I walked home that night in the dark and alone, but I was smiling the whole way because I knew he was waiting for my text. Devon was huge, but he was sweet, and for some reason that combination of traits made him undeniably attractive. He’d give you the shirt off his back and make sure you got home all right. But I got the feeling he could also protect someone if they needed it. Not only could he, but he would without hesitation.

  Something about him called to me. Opened me. Woke me up.

  And even though my stomach was still doing the flippity thing as I sent him my text to tell him I’d made it home safely, I knew it was something I couldn’t hold on to or hope for – that I would be the person he’d be opening up for or waking up for – because he was with Liv at that exact moment. And even if I thought I could compete with Liv, I wouldn’t want to.

  Chapter Two

  Present Day

  “Ruby. Jax. It’s time to wake up, guys,” I said gently as I flipped on the light switch, just like I had done every school day for the last three months. And like most days, neither one of the kids budged. They slept like rocks and woke up slower than molasses. I walked to the foot of Ruby�
�s bed and sat down slowly, trying not to jar her.

  “Ruby, sweetie, time to get ready for school.” I reached out and rubbed my hand gently down her back, feeling her finally wake up a little underneath my touch. “Come on, Rubster. Time to wake up.” I watched as she stretched, her head of brown, curly hair emerging from under the covers, little hands reaching out as if to hold on to sleep a little bit longer.

  “Aunt Evie?” she asked, her voice heavy with sleep.

  “Yes, baby?”

  “How many days until summer break?”

  I laughed. Ruby loved school, but she loved sleep more. “Quite a few, honey. You’ve got two months left.” A loud groan came from under her blanket. Then I heard her brother grumble too, although, he was less resistant to waking up.

  “Jaxy, you awake?”

  “Yeah,” came his little voice from the other side of the room. When Liv and Devon had first gotten married, they purchased a smaller, two-bedroom house. That had worked fine for them for a while. A couple years later, however, when Jaxy was born, they started to feel just a little cramped. When they finally moved into a bigger house, Ruby had cried and cried when they told her she was going to get her own room. She was devastated she wouldn’t be sharing a room with her baby brother any longer. So, just like any parent trying to deal with a four-year-old’s tantrum, they gave her what she wanted. Ruby and Jax had shared a room since his birth and Liv and Devon figured eventually one or both of them would want their own space. When that time came, there was a spare bedroom waiting for one of them.

  “Okay, kiddos, let’s get up and get going.”

  This was our routine. Every school day, I came over to get the kids ready in the morning. Devon was here, but he had to leave for work before the school bus came. Before, Liv would have been here doing this – being a mom – but I stepped in after the funeral as a way to help. Liv had been a stay-at-home mom and loved every minute of it. So, in her absence, Jax had recently adjusted to going to preschool. Another heartbreaking change to his regular routine. But he was a trooper. Both of them were.

  “You guys get dressed and meet me downstairs for breakfast.”

  I had just finished packing Ruby’s lunch when I heard the unmistakable sounds of Devon coming down the stairs. Longer strides, heavier footfalls. It was only moments before I saw his frame fill the doorway from the living room to the kitchen.

  “Good morning, Evie,” he said when he saw me. That morning, not unusually, there was a smile on his face. It wasn’t the best smile I’d ever seen him wear, but he was slowly improving.

  “Morning,” I responded, smiling back at him. He turned sideways to squeeze between the kitchen counter and me, and I had the same thought I’d had for ten years whenever he was close. I remembered him as he was the first time I met him, shirtless and huge. I hadn’t known it at the time, but he was a player for the college football team, which explained his size. After college, however, when his job became more of the suit and tie variety, his bulk went away. He was still tall, and still very much an overwhelming presence, but he wasn’t nearly as huge as he used to be. What I’d seen from summers at the lake house, Devon was still built and still had every muscle imaginable, they were just less enormous now.

  “You’ll be here when Ruby gets off the bus this afternoon, right?” he asked as he grabbed a mug out of the cupboard.

  “Oh.” I paused and turned to him. “Remember last week when I told you I couldn’t be here this afternoon? I have a meeting with a client. Remember?”

  “Shit,” he whispered, closing his eyes. I hated this. I hated this part. The part where I could see the ache in him, could see how much he missed his wife. I knew that was what was going through his head. He would first berate himself for not being able to remember our conversation, and then he would think about how none of this would be a problem if Liv were still alive. I hated that even though I did everything I could for him, for his kids, I was never enough.

  “I can cancel,” I said quickly, trying to smooth over the situation, to fix it before it caused him any more pain. “Or reschedule. It’s really not a big deal.” I waved my hand, as if I could magically erase the agony that came with losing his wife and all the pain in the aftermath. If I could have waved it away, I would have. Devon had suffered a lot in the last three months and sometimes, I was at a loss as to how to help him. But I could cancel my meeting.

  “Evie,” he said, his voice so low and so sad. “You can’t keep doing this.”

  “Doing what?”

  “Giving things up for us. Rearranging your life for us. It’s not fair to you.” His back was to me and I was facing away from him, but the tension in the room was zipping between us like lightening.

  “It’s really not a big deal,” I said as I turned my attention back to the lunches I was preparing. Just like every other time since I’d met him, his rejection hurt me in a way I didn’t like to acknowledge. I knew Devon cared about me, knew from the moment we met I was important to him, but I felt differently for him and I always had.

  “Are you sure?” he asked, even though his tone made it clear he wasn’t.

  “What other choice do we have?” My work was very much fluid and I was my own boss. I had no one to answer to besides my clients. Devon worked for a corporate conglomerate and the chances of him coming home early were slim. He’d taken a lot of time off when Liv had been sick, and then again when she had died, and even though his job was understanding to a point, he’d used up all the time allotted to him for the death of his wife and had none to spare. There was a long pause, and the silence was filled with so much angst and emotion. Perhaps, and most likely, I was the only one feeling everything between us. After all, that was usually the way it worked. I watched from afar with a veil over my real emotions, only letting the outside see what I wanted to show, while on the inside I was waging a war I never wanted to fight. What other option did we have? I’d had a thousand options. But I gave them all up when I decided to bury my emotions.

  “All right,” he finally sighed. “But this is the last time, Evelyn.”

  Something dangerous rolled through my body when he used my full name. Just another feeling to bury.

  I turned my head just enough to meet his eyes over my shoulder. I smiled at him. He didn’t return it, just stared at me over his cup of coffee. Before either of us looked away, two small children came bounding into the kitchen, running directly to their father.

  “Dad, Jax didn’t change his underwear,” Ruby tattled as she wrapped her arms around her father’s middle. I smiled at the image and then turned again to the lunches.

  “Jax, did you put on clean underwear?” Devon’s fatherly tone indicated he already knew the answer to his question.

  “I looked in my drawer and there was none.”

  “Shit,” Devon murmured. “I forgot to do the laundry again.”

  “Jaxy, I think I put a load in the dryer yesterday afternoon. Why don’t you go check?” I held my breath, knowing Devon would view this as me doing too much. I couldn’t help it. He needed my help. I listened as Ruby told her father about the tigers she was learning about in school, and as she jabbered, he inserted the appropriate responses.

  I turned to watch Jax run through the kitchen on his way back upstairs as he yelled, “Found some!” and waved his clean underwear over his head.

  Breakfast was served, lunches were packed, and as Ruby, Jax, and I sat at the table laughing at something Jax had said, Devon walked through the kitchen, stopping to kiss both of his children on the head as he passed.

  “Ruby, be good for Aunt Evie this afternoon, and Jax, I’ll pick you up from preschool on my way home.”

  “Bye, Daddy,” Ruby said with a smile.

  “Can we have pizza for dinner, Daddy?” Jax asked.

  With a laugh, Devon responded. “Yeah, buddy. We can have pizza. Love you both.”

  “Love you too. Bye, Dad,” Jax said, mouth full of pancake.

  “Thanks again, Evie. I’ll se
e you this evening.” His voice was back to being friendly, but his words were still a little cold. That made me feel guilty. I was trying to help him, but he wasn’t comfortable taking it from me.

  “Have a good day.” My voice was quiet and I didn’t bother looking at him. I knew what I’d see – a man who missed his wife.

  Chapter Three

  Last Day of Freshman Year

  “I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much alcohol in one place.” My eyes swept over the counter in the kitchen of the Beta house, which had been transformed into a temporary bar. At least fifty bottles of liquor were all lined up, and a few of the freshman Betas were manning them.

  “Betas take end of the school year extremely seriously,” Liv said, her voice already a little deep, her words slurred, the alcohol having its desired effect.

  “Ladies, welcome to our little get together.” My head turned toward the voice, and I smiled when I saw Elliot walking toward us. Since Liv and Devon had started seeing each other, we’d spent a lot of time at his house and I’d gotten to know quite a few of the brothers. I knew I was only accepted because I came with Liv, and without her, I would have been painfully out of place. However, a few of the guys genuinely seemed to like me, Elliot being one of them.

  “Hey,” I said, my smile brightening at his familiar face. “How’d finals go?”

  “Well,” he laughed, “I probably could have done better. My statistics class kicked my ass.”

  “But everything else went well?”

  “I think so.”

  “Elliot, what exactly are you going to do with a sociology degree?” Liv’s words were a little sharp, but he didn’t seem to pick up on her tone.