The Presence of Grace (Love and Loss #2) Read online

  “Devon,” I whispered, my fingers still threading through his hair, trying to imply with my tone that I wanted all those things done to me, but just not right that moment.

  His fingertips dipped under the hem of my shirt and he slipped it up just barely, then leaned forward and pressed a kiss against my stomach, just below my belly button. His hands tightened on my waist, his mouth pressed against me harder, and he pulled me even closer to him, as if the space between us was offending him.

  Two things happened next: my phone vibrated loudly from across the room and Devon’s dad yelled for him from the back of the store.

  “Devon, you know anything about this sand blaster?”

  Devon’s head fell softly forward, his forehead now resting against my belly. “Right now, I pretty much hate sand blasters,” he said quietly, making me giggle. That only made his head bob against my belly, which made me giggle even more. When he pulled back he had a smile on his face too.

  “You go help your father and I’ll clean up lunch.” I ran my fingers through his hair again, just because I wanted to, but then dropped my hands to my sides, not wanting to detain him any longer. He pushed his chair back, stood, dropped a quick kiss on my lips, and left the office with a smile.

  “I’m not finished with you,” he called as he walked through the doors, and I couldn’t help but smile. There was a small garbage can beneath his desk, so I used it to collect the plates from our lunch, a stupid, lovesick smile on my face, and my phone buzzed again. I dug around in my purse, found my phone, and saw I had two messages from Shelby.

  **Hey lady, do you have a minute to talk?**

  **Give me a call as soon as you get a chance.**

  My best friend radar went on panic mode and I dialed her immediately. The phone only gave half a ring before she answered.

  “Hey, Grace. How are you?”

  “I’m fine, honey. How are you? What’s wrong?” My mind started ticking off all the things she could be calling me about. Had something happened to her parents? Was she sick? Good God, what if it was cancer?

  “I’m all right. I just wanted to talk to you about something. Do you have a minute?”

  “Yeah,” I said, confused. I sat back down in the recliner and could feel the tension building between my eyebrows, where my face was probably all tense and wrinkled.

  “Are you sitting down?”

  “Shelby, stop. You’re worrying me. What’s going on?”

  “I ran into Jeff at the grocery store today.”

  There were many things in my life I’d changed in order to try and never hear that name again, or at least not for a long time. Hearing it caught me off guard and put my whole body on alert, but not the same way it would have three years ago, or even three months ago. I’d moved all the way to Florida to put as much space between my ex-husband and myself as possible, which made me wonder why Shelby thought she had to call me with a status update.

  “Okay,” I replied, drawing the word out, wondering where this conversation was going.

  “He was with Jessica.”

  Now that name could always get a response from me. Hearing her name had a tendency to make me angry.

  “And she was pregnant.”

  I went completely numb. The only sensation I could feel was my heartbeat pounding in my head, thumping wildly, deafeningly loud. Then my chest began to burn and I realized I was holding my breath.

  “Grace? Are you there?” Shelby sounded tiny and very far away. “Grace, it’s going to be all right.” Her words cracked and somewhere in my mind I knew she was crying. Shelby had cried with me a lot over the years, but when Shelby cried, it was usually because she was worried about me. She’d seen me at my lowest point, the very bottom of a very black hole, and she’d watched me crumble. It was probably difficult for her to tell me this over the phone. She probably wanted to be right next to me when she said those words, to be able to look me in the eye and gauge whether or not I was about to spiral down the rabbit hole again. “Please, Grace, just say something.”

  “I’m here,” I managed, although just those words were almost said in a sob. I needed to keep it together until I could be alone and have the breakdown I deserved.

  “She looked miserable, sweetie. Real fat. Not just pregnant fat, but like she decided to eat for five, not two. And Jeff, he looked terrible too. Just awful. Eating for five as well.”

  I knew all of that wasn’t true. Jessica probably looked great pregnant; even if she couldn’t get rid of her resting bitch face or terrible personality, she wasn’t bad looking. And it would take a lot to make Jeff unattractive. He had those all-American, boy-next-door looks.

  “Shelby….” I wanted to tell her she didn’t have to lie to me, didn’t have to try and make me feel better.

  “I wouldn’t have even told you, but I know how word gets around, and I figured you’d rather hear it from me than someone else.”

  “Yeah.” She was right about that. “I know.”

  “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s okay, Shel. In the back of my mind I knew this would happen someday. Actually, I’m surprised it hasn’t happened sooner.” I tried to laugh, but I ended up crying a little, wiping a tear from under my eye before it could trail down my cheek.

  “How can I help?” she asked, and she sounded genuine, as if she really needed to do something to help me.

  “There’s nothing to do. You’ve been there for me through everything. That’s more than I can ask for.” I heard heavy footsteps coming closer and panicked. “I’ve got to go, Shel. I’ll call you later.”

  “Okay.”

  I hardly waited for her response before I ended the call, then turned my back to the door and wiped under my eyes again. Devon came in the room and the air changed instantly. Suddenly, everything was tense. He came toward me, his footsteps harder and surer than they were just moments before, and his hands gripped my shoulders. It wasn’t painful, but it wasn’t soft either.

  “What is it?”

  “No,” I said quickly, trying to put on a brave face. “It’s nothing.”

  “It’s something, Grace.”

  I knew I had to look at him, to show him I was all right, to pretend as if everything was fine, if he was going to let me leave and have the breakdown I needed. So I lifted my face and put on a smile, weak as it may have been, and lied.

  “Promise. Everything’s fine. Shelby just called and was upset about something. But I do have to go,” I said, breaking our gaze. I couldn’t look him in the eye any longer. “Thank you for eating with me.” I looked around, trying to seem too busy looking for my purse to pay him any attention, even though my whole body was tuned in to how tense he was, as if he were holding back and ready to snap at any moment.

  We remained there for a few moments, me looking anywhere but at him, and him unmoving but breathing heavily. Finally, his hands took hold of my face with a strong but tender hold, and he dipped low to catch my gaze.

  “I’ll let you walk out of here, Grace. I’ll let you leave and deal with whatever you have going on all alone, but I want to be very clear. I want to help you. I want to be with you. If you have a problem, I want to help you through it. But I do not want to chase after someone hoping to save them. Not again.” He let out a sigh, but then took another sharp, deep breath and stepped closer. “Watching you walk away would hurt, but not as much as trailing after you.”

  The way his eyes bored into mine, the way his hands were holding on to me as if he didn’t want to let me go, and his words, all came together and cut me open. A minute before I’d been prepared to walk out and spend an evening alone, crying in my apartment, but I didn’t want to leave him behind. And more than that, I didn’t want him to feel left behind either. It hadn’t occurred to me that we’d both been left behind in the past. It hadn’t occurred to him that we had that in common because, up until that moment, I’d avoided every opportunity to share with him why I’d gotten divorced and moved to Florida.

  So, st
anding in the office of his hardware store with his hands framing my face and tears streaming down my cheeks, I brought Devon along with me.

  “The only thing I wanted when Jeff and I got married was a family. We tried to get pregnant on our own, naturally, but it wasn’t happening. When we sought help we were told there was something wrong with me, with my ovaries, and getting pregnant naturally was going to be an issue. I begged Jeff to try in vitro. I had to beg him because he didn’t seem interested at all, which should have been my first warning sign, I’m sure. But I finally convinced him to let me try. It was weeks and weeks of hormone therapy coupled with two failed attempts. Two separate heartbreaking months of hoping and praying to be pregnant, only to have nothing show up on the scan. It was painful and emotionally destructive.” I sucked in a breath and it came back out with a shudder. “And what I didn’t know was that while I was sacrificing my body to make us a family, grieving every time it didn’t work, Jeff was having an affair with his ex-girlfriend.” My eyes closed, heavy with the weight of my words. Maybe it was because I was too tired to keep them open anymore, or perhaps I just didn’t want to see Devon’s face when he realized that I hadn’t been woman enough to keep my husband.

  “I couldn’t give him a family, and for a while between rounds I couldn’t give him my body. Apparently I wasn’t enough. But now,” I said, my voice catching on the sob lodged in my throat. “Now he’s married to her and she’s having his baby.” The sob broke free and I collapsed against him, crying for so many reasons. Crying because my ex-husband cheated on me. Crying because I would never be the mother I so desperately longed to be. And crying because I had just told the man I’d hoped I could build some sort of life with exactly what kind of desolate future he would have if he stayed with me.

  “Hey,” he whispered into my hair between tender kisses against my temple. “Grace, don’t cry, baby. Shhhh….” He held me as I sobbed, which both soothed and embarrassed me. “I know it sounds trite,” he said as he slowly swayed me back and forth, trying to comfort me. “But any man who would cheat on you is an idiot.” A tiny smile crossed my face, not that he could see it. “But any man who cheats on his wife while she’s sacrificing herself to give him a child, well, he’s an asshole.” Devon pulled back and brushed all my crazy hair away from my face, looking me right in the eye. “And, baby, you deserve better than that.”

  He was right, but he was also wrong. Jeff had done something terrible to me, I could understand that. But there was always a bigger part of my brain that held on to the idea that he wouldn’t have cheated on me if I’d been able to give him a child. When he’d married me, he expected a whole woman, but what he’d gotten was a broken one, a woman with something incredibly damaged inside her.

  The most terrible part of my brain couldn’t blame him for cheating.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, my voice hoarse from crying. “I should go.”

  “Grace, no,” he said, his hands coming back to my shoulders. “Please stay and talk to me. If you leave now, I feel like you’re just going to go home and have another breakdown.”

  I nodded, unable to vocalize that he was probably right.

  “How can I make this better? What can I do?”

  “It’s not your job to make it better.”

  He pulled back at my words, like I’d insulted him, even though it was the last thing I wanted.

  “I realize the man you were with treated you poorly. I’m sure I’ll eventually hear more about the ways he treated the woman he was supposed to cherish, because there will be more with us, Grace. Not because it’s my job, and not because I’m obligated, but because it’s what I want. You’re what I want.” His hands slid down my arms and he laced his fingers through mine. “Nothing you just told me makes me want you less. It just makes me want to protect you more.”

  “I’m a mess,” I cried. I wasn’t sure if I was trying to push him away more or convince him, but he only laughed and pulled me closer.

  “Remember the first time we met, Grace? I was a mess too. Something in the universe keeps pushing us together when we need it the most, and I don’t know about you, but I’m done fighting the universe.”

  “It really is a stupid idea,” I said, laughing and crying at the same time, but smiling too. Devon dipped again and kissed me softly.

  “I’m sorry you went through all that,” he said against my cheek as his mouth moved to my neck, pressing a kiss there, but then just resting, his arms wrapping around my waist. I curled my arms around his neck and let him hold me. “And I’m sorry the man who should have been there for you through the whole thing turned out to be a classic asshole.” He sighed, his arms tightening around me. “But if I’m really honest, if he’d been a great guy, you wouldn’t be in my arms right now.”

  Chills raced down my spine and goose bumps spread all over my arms. He was right. We’d both walked a terrible and sad road, but we’d found the way to each other. The past was in the past, and the future, in this moment perhaps, looked brighter because of the man in front of me.

  “There’s still a lot to talk about, but, for now, I’m glad we found each other. Again.”

  “Come talk to me over dinner at my house,” he whispered, his face still buried in my neck.

  “Okay,” I replied, my voice a soft whisper. Because, honestly, how was I supposed to say no?

  Chapter Fifteen

  Devon

  It had been an exhausting afternoon. After Grace left, I’d spent the rest of my day at work either worried about her, or really fucking pissed off at her ex-husband. What kind of douche bag lowlife cheats on his wife while she’s trying to give him a child? For the rest of the day, anytime I helped a customer find a product, I only imagined all the ways I could use it to maim him. Rope? I’d tie that bastard up. Hand saw? That could do some damage. Ball peen hammer? Now we’re talking.

  My exhaustion must have showed on my face because as soon as I showed up at my parents’ house to pick up the kids, my mom took one look at me, put her worried face on, and insisted on keeping the kids overnight. Ruby and Jax, who’d been camped in front of the television eating something that resembled every parent’s worst sugar nightmare, didn’t object. In fact, they didn’t even look at me. They just waved over their heads and said they were fine sleeping over. So I left without them and realized I had an evening with Grace and no kids.

  Suddenly, I wasn’t so exhausted.

  I sent her a text and let her know I’d be ready for her in an hour, then rushed home to shower and get dinner ready. I’d already razzled and dazzled her with my cooking skills, with Ruby’s help, so I was going to rely on my grilling abilities. No one ever ate a good steak and regretted it. A perfectly cooked steak could be just as impressive as some other culinary masterpieces. That was what I was banking on, anyway.

  When she knocked on my door, right on time, I opened it, grabbed her hand, pulled her in, and kissed her long and hard. She was giggling at first, laughing as though I was being playful. But after a few moments she realized I was not playing, and she melted against me.

  She’d left her hair down and I wound my hands through it, pulling gently so her face angled up toward me. I walked her backward, using her body to close the front door, and pressed against her. Her hands were running up and down my back, pulling me closer, and I could feel every breath she took as her breasts pressed against my chest.

  I could not get enough of her.

  I’d been on board with taking our physical relationship slowly. There was a time and place for everything, and the time and place was not on my couch as my children slept down the hall. And as patient as I thought I was being, Grace had been even more so. Most of the time it had been her to stop us, to make us come up for air, before anything completely inappropriate took place. But in that moment, with her breathy whimpers and roaming hands, I wasn’t sure we’d make it to the steaks.

  “My mom is keeping the kids overnight,” I said as I pressed kisses along the column of her neck, loving
the way her body writhed against mine.

  “Mmmm hmmm,” she said, clearly unable to put words together, making me smile against her skin.

  “Say you’ll stay the night with me.” She stilled at my words, and I was sort of expecting that. We’d had an emotional afternoon and she probably hadn’t expected to be ambushed with sex when she agreed to dinner, but her hesitation was short-lived, and a moment later she was right back on track with me.

  “Okay,” she breathed.

  “Here’s what’s going to happen,” I said just before I took her earlobe between my teeth, tugging gently, then letting go. “I’m going to make us dinner, we’re going to talk—about everything—and then we’re going to bed.” I pulled back and met her eyes. “Sound good?”

  She nodded, her bottom lip trapped between her teeth.

  “Good,” I said, reaching up and gently tugging her lip free. “You’re beautiful when you’re frazzled.” I tucked the hair I’d messed up behind her ear, smiling as I watched her senses come back.

  “Frazzled,” she said with a laugh. “That’s a new word for it.”

  I kissed her then, because there was no way I couldn’t. Then I took her hand and pulled her away from the door, leading her to the kitchen.

  “Take these glasses of wine and go sit outside,” I said, handing her the two glasses I’d poured just before she arrived. “I’ll grab the food and meet you out there.”

  She complied, taking the wine outside, and my eyes stayed trained on her the whole time. I gathered everything I needed to cook our meal. We talked while I grilled, no residual awkwardness from that afternoon, our conversation flowing like it always had. When I watched her take the first bite of her steak, when her eyes rolled back in her head just like they had at lunch, I realized how much I loved that Grace enjoyed food. She wasn’t shy about eating and something about that was sexy.

  We talked about Jaxy and Ruby, about their upcoming trip to California, but neither of us admitted that we didn’t miss them. Sure, a tiny part of me—the dad part—felt a little bit guilty that I was at home enjoying a real, adult meal, but the biggest part of me was glad my mom had offered to keep them. And I knew Grace was too.